eksil.

I just got my heart broken by a handful of men saying goodbye at their doors. 

I saw - but might never fully digest, how it felt to be rejected by their mother.

Their motherland. 

I'm so so glad to caught the movie 'Eksil' in the cinema. 

It is a beautiful documentary about exiles - these people who were sent by the president/country to study abroad, but had their citizenships revoked. 

What is most heartbreaking to me
is how they kept repeating that, 
their bodies might exist in Europe (where they eventually got citizenships), 
but their heart and mind are always facing Indonesia. 

The place they always longed - but never get to - call home. 

These are brilliant, smart people. But their future were robbed from them,
along with their happiness, their family, their sense of peace,
their freedom to speak and to live. 

It got me thinking about a lot. 

Misinformation. Mistrust. 

Loyalty. Freedom. 

I sat there teary-eyed basically throughout the second-half of the movie. 

My jaw was tense, trying to hold my tears from flowing free. 

And to see this country that I know
- the fight that got us here & still needs to be done, -
was truly eye-opening.

This country hasn't always been this 'free' - and we have to be good stewards to protect and maintain it.  

I'm going to sit with this feeling for a while. 

I will never ever ever take my life for granted. 

And if I truly love this nation as much as I claimed, 

I have to love it with both eyes opened. 

To sing loudly of its beauty, 

but to also be aware of the pitfalls that might harm it. 

That might harm her. My mother. 

My motherland.