reconnect.

Just in the 2 last week, 

I met with 3 different friend groups.

This is significant to me, 

firstly because I had not gone out all that much during the past couple of years. 

So to suddenly have 3 social engagements - that was something. 

But what made these more eventful was the fact that I had not seen most of them in years. 

One, I last saw probably 2016 or 2017?

And the other, 2013. 

--

I feel like I have a habit of compartmentalizing my life into neat boxes. 

When my social circles cross-over, I have an identity crisis. 

But also, when I move on from a certain phase of life, I tend to close that chapter and leave it behind. 

I'm not trying to do it on purpose. 

When I say, 'Keep in touch,' I desperately mean it. I want to.

But when it actually time to reach out or say hi, I tend to hold back,

hiding instead, and whispering my well-wishes from the shadows.

I guess it was kind of a defense mechanism. How I wish I could forget some of those days.

When I close a chapter, it is as if I'm distancing myself from the pain, disappointment, discontentment that were born in that season. And I'm saying goodbye to that version of me, full of flaws and errs, that I now see. 

So, that's what I have been doing for years. 

In the beginning, it felt fine. I just feel distanced, slightly disconnected, but overall, I manage. 

Until time changes everything. 

--

I have to give it to my friends. I have not been the one to reach out first and ask people to go out. My role here is just to say 'yes'. I'm grateful they still think fondly of me. 

The past couple of years really takes the concept of 'connection' on a whole different level. 

'Distance makes the heart grow fonder'. After being forced to confinement, even this introvert feels the desire to connect - with the right people, for sure. 

And it's true, I might not get along with all of the people I hang out with. 

I might not become the bestest of best friends with everyone. 

But when I stand back from the baggage and complexity of people and friendships, 

I'm also missing out on the good things, I now discover. 

I'm missing out on beautiful conversations, some silliness, 

and lively, fun, kind, listening friends. 

Even as I write this, 

I really don't know if this 'profound' thinking in my mind is something I still hold on to in the months and years to come. 

It could just be that I'd been craving eating out and these guys get me to go out. 

It could also be as simple as I'm doing better in a social group of 4 or below, and this text does not apply in a group party setting :)

But I'm grateful for the chance to reconnect,

catch up,

and start a new & better memory,

xx